The Ooh Tray’s Review of the Year in Film and Inaugural Whitfield Awards!

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The Whitfields 2012 (click on titles for reviews)

Worst makeup: A tie between the disastrous attempt to age Leonardo DiCaprio in J Edgar and the “what the fuck were they thinking?” moment in which Guy Pearce walked out caked in conspicuous latex in Prometheus.

Worst remake: Total Recall: Colin Farrell’s got no right to take the piss out of Hollywood action movies, as he does in Seven Psychopaths, having fronted this egregious and unnecessary regurgitation of the 1990 Schwarzenegger shitkick-a-thon. No ultraviolence, no bulging eyes, no good.

Worst Olympic tie-in: Chariots of Fire: If real world sports men and women are some of the dullest on the planet, their achievements adopted by a sedentary populous who go on to enjoy vicarious pride, when the money employed in staging the event would be better spent on things that matter like public services, education and the arts, then the last thing we needed was a reminder that even movie versions of said achievements can be plodding and uninspiring too. The soundtrack’s great, we all know that but Leni Riefenstahl wouldn’t have been troubled by the direction.

Worst editing award: Taken 2: A masterclass in how to kill a movie stone dead by filing it down to achieve a teen friendly rating. Had Neeson’s character truly existed he’d have killed everyone involved.

Worst technical experimentation: Peter Jackson – The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: Want to strip the filmic image of all texture and gloss? Then shoot at 48fps. Your movie will look like video in no time. Jackson is not a filmmaker in any meaningful sense of the phrase after this.

The why didn’t it work award: John Carter: Why didn’t it work? It looked good, it had an interesting Martian mythology and it was based on a classic adventure story; this should have been great. Perhaps casting Taylor Kitsch killed it, perhaps the marketing did; in any event it was D.O.A at the box office. An afterlife on TV looms.

The you should have seen it but you didn’t award: Lockout: A gloriously stupid sci-fi actioner with Guy Pearce in full Snake Plissken mode. It wasn’t big and it wasn’t clever but it was 23,470 times more entertaining than Total Recall and that’s official.

The most insane moment of the year award: Horse throwing – Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: Villains use many means to fell pursuers but it’s safe to say that few have employed the technique seen here, whereby a horse is grabbed by the legs and hurled at the future president. Fortunately for man and beast, he remembered to duck.

Best threat: Jack Reacher in Jack Reacher: “I mean to beat you to death and drink your blood from a boot.” It’s something no real human being would say and it doesn’t make a lot of sense but as a statement of intent it’s nigh on unbeatable.

Best flawed human being: Mavis – Young Adult: Charlize Theron “smashed it” as the lonely and embittered former prom queen who returns to her hick town to romance her now married first love. Anyone struggling with the disappointments of adult life will see something of themselves in Theron’s three dimensional protagonist. She’s funny, heartbreaking and best of all, no better at the end but what a pleasure it was to spend time in her company.

Best Nicolas Cage freak out: Nicolas Cage – Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance: He began to transform into the rider, he went briefly insane. It was sublime. Good luck with that tax bill, Nic.

Best sex: Matthew McConaughey and Gina Gershon – Killer Joe: Finger lickin’ good? You better believe it.

Best use of AC/DC: Battleship: Aliens have invaded the Earth, destroyed your destroyers and you now need to convert a floating museum into a fully operational warship in just 5 minutes: what do you do? You whip out the iPod, press play on Thunderstruck, rip out the vending machine and get loading those torpedo tubes, that’s what.

Best revenge: Amanda Seyfried – Gone: If a man kidnapped you, left you in a pit and murdered your fellow feminoids, would you be satisfied with a prison sentence or would trapping him down a well and burning him to death be more to your taste? Amanda decided she couldn’t wait for a court date.

So that my friends, was 2012. 2013’s nearly here. I’ll see you in there (though without your phone and voice box, okay?).

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